With all the hubbub surrounding last week’s People’s Choice Awards, we’ve had nary a second to acknowledge the men and women who’ve served our country this year by creating funny, weepy and water-coolery Oscar-nominated films. We haven’t had the time to congratulate the actors and directors, costume designers and cinematographers, screen writers and screen adaptors. But fear not! We are back in the game, ready to snark on pop culture in only the most family-friendly of ways. Because the nominees have already been broken down to the teensiest of pieces by every reputable (and non-reputable) newspaper, magazine, blog, news program and medical journal on the world wide web, I am going a different route: Here’s what you can expect at the 2013 Academy Awards:
— Ryan Seacrest refuses to interview Les Miserables‘ Sacha Baron Cohen on the Red Carpet, gets doused in maple syrup. (We all know what happened LAST YEAR)
— Anne Hathaway acts coy in a flowing gown by Valentino, lying to each reporter who asks that she has not prepared a speech.
— Jennifer Lawrence has gotten over her flu, only to contract the plague. She walks the carpet in a long-sleeved column gown by Dior Haute Couture to cover the boils on her arms.
— Katy Perry is on hand to represent the music community, but cannot get through metal detectors as she is dressed as Oscar in a 14-carat gold ensemble.
— Show opens with a scene from Family Guy, as the Griffin clan gathers around the TV in their living room, Oscar ballots in hand. Funny Ha-Ha stuff happens, and the opening credits roll. As the big dance number approaches, actors take the stage in a live-action tribute to the raunchy animated sitcom. Amy Adams emerges as matriarch Lois, followed closely by Phillip Seymour Hoffman as her doofus son, Chris. The beautiful Mila Kunis stuns as frumpy daughter Meg (in the role she gives voice to on the actual TV show) and the kid from Modern Family naturally tumbles out as Stewie Griffin. Brian, the dog, is played with great pride by method actor Daniel Day Lewis (it’s unclear how he prepared for this role) and finally, triple threat Hugh Jackman takes the stage as Peter Griffin, in a role he was born to play.
— Seth Macfarlane parachutes into the Kodak Theater dressed as Daniel Craig’s James Bond with Emma Stone in one hand and a Heineken in the other. Tommy Lee Jones is not impressed.
— Playing off of Amy Poehler’s statement at the Golden Globes, host Seth MacFarlane jokes about how glad he is that the rat-faced people of television are not around to poke fun at this time.
— 1-3 jokes about Ben Affleck’s non-nomination are heard throughout the night – not only by Seth Macfarlane, but also by wife Jennifer Garner, who is scheduled to present.
— Ronald Reagan introduces Best Film nominee, Lincoln.
— Jennifer Lawrence, still reeling from the plague (and still on the kick of quoting movies in her acceptance speeches), plans a fun, on-stage moment for the Best Actress category. Unfortunately when she wins, she ends up Carrie-ing herself.
— Adele wins for Best Song, fanks her fans, friends and Faye Dunaway — only to be Kanye’d by Taylor Swift moments later.
— It’s a 9-way tie for Best Picture. Anne Hathaway gets to the podium first, thanks the people she forgot to mention during her acceptance for Best Supporting Actress.
I don’t know about you, but I cannot wait to see what else happens on February 24th!
Life of Pi
Silver Linings Playbook